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Updated: Oct 9, 2020

Emotional shadows sneak up on me in such unexpected ways. Grief can be such a surprising ninja. Even when it’s a grieving over good things.

Today was a beautiful fall day. I took my lunch outside to admire the sunny Carolina sky and the softly changing leaves. While it’s still warm, there is a change in the air as things are heading to a crispness only found in October.

I knew this day. This day was exactly like the days when I first started homeschooling – scared yet energized. Eating lunch outside and then reading books about the solar system afterwards. Right here was where we sat as we basked in the sunshine and the good fortune to dive deep into Saturn’s secrets. Now there are no days like that as the busy-ness of high school has consumed our schedule.

This day was exactly like the day when my mom was failing. Beautiful, gorgeous, infinite sunshine. Yet my mom was dying. Falling to pieces inside yet unconquerable beauty outside. This was the place where all my siblings gathered to celebrate her life; this gorgeous day a mockery of the sadness it cast. Soft rain falling later to comfort us.

Fall’s shadows cast emotions on me today. Some tender, some sweet, but all heartfelt. Grief sneaks up on me during an ordinary Monday to remind me of the truly frail state of the heart.

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